


my hands are shaking from holding back from you

by alexanderskargard



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, horny teenagers au, i love my children, i wish them happiness always, i wrote this instead of working ay, lots of feels, lots of mutual pinning, my favorite au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderskargard/pseuds/alexanderskargard
Summary: She opens the laptop again and types:How to know if you're in love with your best friend?1. You have imagined kissing them – probably more than once. No shame. Hey, no one can police your thoughts, OK?Or the Canadian boarding school au
Relationships: Valentina Carvajal/Juliana Valdés
Comments: 32
Kudos: 282





	1. And if I get burned, at least we were electrified

**Author's Note:**

> all mistakes are mine, sorry about that

Valentina arrives on a Wednesday. 

Nobody does that. Even weirder, she arrives at the middle of October with a warning to the students: no questions allowed. 

St. Judes boarding school is alive with gossip a week before her arrival. Juliana hears Maddie talk about the new girl while trying to study at the library... 

“Her father send her here because he doesn’t know how to control her anymore” she fake whispers to Allison “she sleeps around, takes drugs and got alcohol poisoning back in April” 

“I heard her mother died last year and since then, her father wanted to get rid of her so he could marry his secretary” 

The gossip follows, even when Valentina starts classes. She seems to be everyone’s favorite topic and Juliana can see why: she is rich (like ridiculous rich), she is beautiful (like no one Juliana have ever known) and she doesn’t care about anything. She doesn’t put effort in making friends or trying to stay awake at lectures. However, she is quickly becoming the second best student in their class, only behind Juliana herself. 

She also seems to gain acquaintances without trying. Everyone is attracted to her aura and her effortless charisma. She is like the sun, and everyone follows her as lost planets, trying to be in her light. 

Except Juliana, of course. She couldn’t care less. 

See, before Valentina, Juliana was what everyone liked to talk. A poor girl from Texas, a hitman’s daughter, lucky enough to win a scholarship, suddenly living with president’s daughters, royalty and people that didn’t care about their future because their lives have already been sorted for them. 

She was a normal kid at Texas when she won a design tournament and one of the most famous designers in the country got her a chance to be someone. She left her mother and her excuse of a father and moved to Canada with only a bag of clothes in one hand and all of her dreams in the other. 

It was hard at the beginning. These girls were snobbish and cruel to her. Someone had broke into the school’s files and found about her father, about his job. A new rumor started then: she was a drug lord’s daughter and that was the real reason behind her scholarship. Nobody could believe that she was talented enough to have a chance. 

They left her alone after that (they were afraid, of course, afraid that her father would hurt them), and Juliana was okay with that. 

She could focus on her studies, trying to forge her own future. 

That was until Valentina came. 

It happened on a Friday night. Juliana fell asleep at the library between books and scripts for her classes. She is a gifted kid but she also needs to be on top of her game if she wants to stay in this school, the other option being go back to Texas with her family. 

She gathers her things quickly and makes the way back to her room, trying to stay quite; she doesn’t want to meet any nun on the alley: Juliana has been lectured in the past about her falling sleep in the library habit and she already has warnings about it. 

So she takes the longer road. 

These corridors are mostly alone except for the occasional bug here and there so it's a surprise when Juliana hears the sound of something hitting the window. 

"Shit...!" she almost screams realizing it's not something but _someone_ hitting the window. Looking closer, it's almost funny how this person is trying to open the window from outside. 

"Please open, please..." it sounds muffled but clear. Juliana has no doubt this girl will attrach some unwanted attention to the alley. 

"Hey" she whispers getting closer to the window "Hey, stop it... HEY!" Juliana taps the crystal and the other person finally turns her eyes. 

"HEY!" Valentina screams, her smile big enough to eclipse the sun "Oh my god, thank Jesus!!" _she's drunk_ is the first thing Juliana notices "I left it open, but someone must have closed it while I was away... please, can you help me?"

It's obvious that Valentina was in some kind of party judging by her lack of sobriety and the fact that she was wearing a _short_ black dress

"Did you call someone?" Juliana asked, opening the window. 

"WHat...?" Valentina seems confused "No... I didn't think... Oh my god, you must think I'm an idiot" she laughs suddenly hugging a surprised Juliana. 

Valentina smells like cigarrettes, alcohol and a very vague sweet scent that seems to be stronger in the place her neck meets her chest. 

"Sorry, sorry" Valentina sings "You're like my savior. I owe you a hamburguer or something, what do you want?"

Blue eyes search for something in Juliana's face and she blushes. 

_What is going on?_

"IS SOMEONE THERE?" footsteps getting closer alert Juliana. 

"We must go now" she whispers to the other girl, praying she will go along with her. 

"Aye, captain" is Valentina's cute answer and she lets Juliana guide her through the dark alleys. 

Juliana doesn't know Valentina's room or the name of her roomate so she decides to take her to her own suite. They make the journey in silence, only with a few misteps along the way. 

"What's your name?" Valentina mumbles at some point. 

"Juliana"

"Pretty" 

_Weird._

"Thanks"

"You're also like super pretty" is the next thing Valentina says and Juliana feels her heart jump.

"Er... thanks?"

"Don't worry, it's just the truth" Valentina seems very serious for a moment and then she laughs, leaning towards her and hiding her face in Juliana's neck "You also smell like flowers, can I stay here?"

"Sure" Juliana answers feeling her face go red again. _What is going on?_

Fortunately, she doesn't have time to think about that anymore when they finally reach her room. She doesn't share with anyone: most of the girls were afraid of her and Juliana prefers it anyway, she has a room only for herself for the first time in her life. That also means she only has one bed and that would be a problem with her current situation. 

"So" she turns around finding Valentina still by the door balancing from one feet to the other "Listen, I only have one bed but that's okay: you can sleep on it and I will sleep on the floor, is that alright?"

"What?!" 

"Shh"

"Sorry" there's that cute smile again "But not sorry. You can't sleep on the floor" she makes the way towards the bed stopping in front of Juliana "We can _share_. The bed is big and I'm not sober enough to take the floor, so..." she grabs Juliana's hand, playing with her fingers. 

There's something about her voice and her manners... Juliana can't say no to her. 

"Ok" she agrees. 

There's a little fight about Valentina's night clothes (Juliana insists in giving her the only pajamas she owns and Valentina refusing again and again) but sooner Juliana finds herself sharing her bed with a total stranger, a stranger that falls sleep as soon as her head hits the pillow. 

_What is going on?_

The night has go from surprise to surprise with Juliana unable to predict this uncome: _Valentina Carvajal is sleeping besides her_. 

Suddenly, she is hyper aware of the closeness between them, of Valentina's undress state (she is wearing only a shirt and underwear) and of Valentina's breathing rhythm in sync with her own. 

_Valentina, Valentina, Valentina..._

"Shit" she whispers for the fifth time. 

* * *

In the morning, Juliana is the fist to wake. 

The night before seems unreal by the morning's light. 

And yet, Valentina Carvajal is softly snoring besides her.

"Val" she sighs, moving Valentina a little. 

A pair of ~~breathtaking~~ blue eyes stares back at her. 

"Hey..." she seems confused, blinking. 

"Sorry to wake you" Juliana apologizes "But we need to get going before they notice you're not on your room"

"Oh" Valentina's eyes light up with recognition "Yeah... oh my god, Juliana, right?" the other girl nods, finding amusing Valentina's expressions "I'm sorry about last night. I thought I was going to sleep outside"

"What was that about anyway?"

"Well..." she hesitates and Juliana tries to push back her question "No, it's okay. I mean, you deserve an explanation. I have some friends from home here in Canada and they had a party last night. I swear I left a window open when I flee but I couldn't find it. Thank God you were there. You're like my personal angel, you know?" she bumps Juliana's shoulder and her smile turns playful "Anyway, thank you for letting me in, I must have been a pain in the ass last night, sorry"

It wasn't that bad, honestly, Juliana thinks, it was nice waking up with someone, cozy and warm, and Valentina... well, she was beautiful. 

"Don't worry" she answers instead "it's nice talking with someone". 

"Yeah" Valentina smiles looking around her and stretching her arms over her head, the flaunt skin of her abdomen appearing in Juliana's sight. 

_Yeah, right._

"Mmmm, maybe we should get going, before someone comes to check..."

"No, I'm so hungry, can we have some lunch here instead?" Valentina pouts and it's the most adorable thing Juliana has seen. 

"I don't think that's a good idea" she tries to resist, of course, but it's getting difficult "Someone could come..."

"You're right, sorry" she sits "I'm gonna take my clothes and leave, sorry to bother you". 

Juliana should let her go. She did what any respectable human being would have done: she took care of Valentina, let her sleep on her bed, ignoring that annoying little voice in her head telling her that she should report her... and still, Valentina looks so upset, she wants to make her feel better. 

"Hey, I'm sorry... I just... I mean this whole thing is new to me, I'm not used to have friends and plans... I just need to go to my chess club and I'll be back very quickly. Maybe we can hang out or..."

She didn't finish because an excited puppy in the form of a 17 year old jumped at her. 

"Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks" Valentina snuggles her face in her neck and Juliana stops breathing for a while trying to understand everything. 

It wasn't easy to explain when she arrives 10 minutes late to the library (after Valentina tried some hairstyles on her), giving an excuse about her alarm. But it also gave her a secret smile and the suddenly desire to dance until twilight. One girl even commented about her behavior. 

"I'm just happy" she says. 

When she returned to her room, it was empty.

* * *

She doesn't see Valentina until the next day, in Sunday's mass. 

Juliana sits in the last rows at the church trying to stay awake after a study night. 

"Hey" she hears by her side "Give me a little space". 

Valentina sits without waiting for an answer. Juliana was right when she thought of her as a puppy: Valentina is restless, moving her feet and hands every 3 minutes, pulling her hair and muttering under her breath. 

"Are you okay?" Juliana whispers keeping her face straight. 

"What?!" some girls turn around "Sorry, sorry" she settles down and mumbles back "I'm sorry, I don't like being lectured and mass so..." her eyes travels to Juliana and she sees recognition in them instantly "Oh my god, Juls!" 

"Shhh!"

"Sorry" Valentina hugs her then, not caring about the people around them "We keep bumping into each other" she says in her ear waking goosebumps on her skin "Hey, sorry about yesterday. One of my friends called and it was his last day here..."

"Don't worry" Juliana cuts her. Valentina's face falls a little "No, no, I didn't... I knew that you got something to do... I mean that, don't worry, seriously"

"Ok. Let me compensate you" by this point, they have forgotten about the mass. It was curious because rules doesn't seem to apply with Valentina: she can do everything she wants and no one would bat an eye "Maybe we can hang out today. You were so nice to me the other day and I want to thank you for that". 

"You don't need to do that, you know?" Juliana replies, trying to keep quite "I didn't help you because..."

"I know" Valentina interrupts her, smiling, her blue eyes shinning like sapphires "That's why I want to hang out with you"

She seems sincere and... intense? it's like Valentina doesn't stop to think about anything else except what she wants and how she can get it. And right now, she seems to want Juliana...

What does Juliana want?

"Okay" she agrees

"Yay!"

"SHHH"

"Sorry!"

Turns out it was Guille, Valentina's older brother, the one that visited her on saturday. Juliana likes Guille right away. He arrives at the school an hour later after mass, carrying ice cream cones and a big smile for his little sister. He is going to London ("Oxford" he says, sounding like he rather die before going to one of the most prestigious colleges in the world) and he wants to spend his last "free" weekend with Valentina.

Juliana doesn't have silbings and she feels weird watching Guille and Valentina interacting. They are carefree and touchy (at some point, Valentina hits Guille on the head so hard their car almost crashes another) but there's also affection in the way they talk. That initial reaction passes when they include her in their jokes and arguments ("Juliana, do you think my brother is the ugliest thing you've ever seen? or just horrid? this is important" "Juliana, do you think Valentina doesn't know the definition of personal space or is she just obstuse?"). She falls in their charm and suddenly she finds herself smiling more times in that single evening than she ever did in her life. 

"So... does my little sister behave, Juliana?" Guille asks while they are walking Vancouver streets. 

"It's a trap" Valentina mumbles in Juliana's neck. 

"She is... something" 

Guille laughs throwing his head backwards and Juliana recognizes some of Valentina's gestures in her brother. 

"You're the worst" blue eyes shine again "The worst, the worst"

Guille guides them through the city. It's like going to Vancouver is a passage rite for the Carvajal silbings. Eva, their older sister, also lived in Canada for six months before college and Guille spend his gap year there. However, Valentina is the only one that came to Vancouver to study her senior year. It seems like her arrival was rushed for some reason. 

"It doesn't matter" she cuts Guille with a glance and Juliana has the sense to not insist on the topic. 

Guille's plane leaves in the morning so he gets them back to school sooner than later. He hugs his sister so tight that Juliana thinks Valentina will protest but she lets herself be hug by her brother and they stay like that for a couple of minutes. 

"Call me" Valentina whispers and Guills nods. He turns around then and smiles at Juliana. 

"Take care of her" he asks, his tone playful but his eyes are pleading. 

Juliana nods. 

* * *

"Did you like him?" Valentina asks her later. 

They're eating together at the main dining room, sitting too close, their hands almost touching. 

"Yeah" Juliana answers, smiling "He is nice"

Valentina stays quite for a while, chewing a chocolate cake that some cook did for her (she keeps getting these kind of things without asking, it's like people tend to dote her even if she doesn't ask for it and it's something Juliana feels too: if Valentina smiles at her in that special way, she will try to give every thing she asks and more). 

"I mean, I understand you" she says after a pause "He's kind of handsome, or so they told me..."

"What?"

"Guille, he's good looking if you like..."

"No, no, no" a laugh escape Juliana's lips as she tries to explain "I _don't like him like that_ , what are you talking about? I thought you were asking me if I, you know, like your brother in friendly way, not a romantic one" 

"Oh" Valentina deflates a little and then she smiles again "Oh, nice. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is great but he is so dramatic and extra. Not your type at all" 

They share another laugh and Valentina feds her some of the remaining chocolate cake. 

"He's handsome" Juliana agrees, trying to explain herself better without giving away too much (Valentina doesn't need to know that the main reason she fancies Guille is because he is _her brother_ ) "But I've never like someone like _that"_

"Is there a reason for that?" Valentina is serious again and Juliana doesn't know why. 

"No, not really. Back in Texas, everyone was terrified of my father and here is no different, so..."

"Your father?"

She can say the truth: her father is an assassin, a hitman, but how would Valentina react to that? Would she go away like everyone? Or would she stay?

"He is not... a good person" Juliana settles with that, praying that Valentina won't insist more. 

"Oh... okay" Valentina is quite again, finishing her dinner "You're nothing like him" she whispers after a while. 

"You don't know..."

"I do" Valentina takes her hand "I do know you. I don't need anything else".

They become friends and it's like a dream. Suddenly Juliana has someone to talk at the end of the day, someone that walks beside her on the corridors and someone to talk about their classes, their ambitions. Juliana is surprised to find that Valentina is a great listener: she seems bigger than life and she loves to express herself in every way possible that Juliana doesn't know how someone like Valentina could be interested in her. She asks her about her day like is the most important thing in the world and Juliana feels greedy for all the attention she is getting. She is not used to being the center of attention, always trying to stay out of the radar, always trying to blend. But Valentina is so shining that Juliana likes to believe she is bright too. 

Valentina wants to be a journalist like her father (the only Carvajal child that really likes journalism, she says one afternoon while they are studying for their English exam) but she likes to keep her options open. 

"When I was a little girl, all I wanna do was to ride horses, you know?" they are on Juliana's bed, looking at the ceiling, their fingers intertwined "But then my mother died and... she loved horses... I haven't been able to ride since then"

She is MIA all the weekend after they had that conversation and Juliana doesn't hear from her until Monday night when Valentina calls her at midnight. 

"Hey" her voice sounds breathy just like when someone has been crying...

"Hey" there's an awkward pause "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah" Valentina lies miserably "I'm sorry for calling you at this hour... I just can't sleep"

She doesn't mention her absence but Juliana can do this: she will be there for Valentina in any way she wants her to be.

"I understand" she answers. 

"I needed to talk with someone that... someone that I could trust" 

"Any time, Val, I mean it"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes, sure, whatever you need"

"Can you tell me a story? Something from when you were younger..."

Valentina doesn't know the hardships of her childhood. She doesn't know how Juliana didn't have a proper bed until she came here, how she didn't found about Christmas presents until she was older because in her house that kind of luxury was never known. She digs deeper in her memory trying to find something, anything that will cheer up the other girl. 

"Um, I... I remember one time. It was my birthday, my fifth birthday and my dad was home for the occasion. My mom had to work until late and I was so sad because I didn't... I don't have a good relationship with him, but that day was different. He brought me a beautiful doll as a birthday gift, I love that one specially because it looks like those Hawaiians dolls and because... well, because it was a present from my dad" the only present he gave her really "Then we went to the park and we played there all the afternoon" she gets lost in the memories, almost seeing her father's blue eyes crinkle under the sun, how safe she felt for the first time in his arms "We ate pizza later and it was incredible"

Juliana sighs, feeling the tears in her eyes. 

"Val?"

She doesn't hear an answer, instead of that a light snore greets her on the other side of the line. Juliana smiles almost picturing Valentina on her bed, the cellphone by her side. She ends the call and dreams of blue eyes and gentle hands. 

* * *

The Christmas break separates them for the first time since Valentina's arrival. Juliana stays at the school (the other option being go back to Texas, but she doesn't have the money nor the will to return home) and Valentina travels to Mexico's City and will stay there until January. 

They spend their last day together in Juliana's room listening music and dancing with each other. Valentina tells her about her break's plans, how much she misses her father, Lucia and Guille (when Valentina doesn't mention Eva, she decides to press about the matter for the first time. Valentina seems surprised too but she confesses that her relationship with her sister is not the best, they are different and sometimes it's difficult trying to keep the peace in the house. Juliana understands her but she says that she should be a little more tolerant with her sister: it's not easy being nobody's favorite. Valentina smiles in a wistful way and thanks her for the advice). 

"I just have the best idea ever!" Valentina suddenly says, jumping all around the bedroom "You should come with me! It's perfect, oh my god, I should have thought about this earlier. Think about it: you already know Guille, my dad and Lucia will love you, I'm sure, and you will be there so I don't kill Eva when she makes a comment about anything"

"I can't go to Mexico, Val" Juliana cuts her, trying to keep her tone gentle but getting desperate minute by minute (there's nothing more that she want to do than spend more time with Valentina, but she also needs to be realistic) "I would love to but I don't have the money or..."

"That's not a problem, I can lend it to you and..."

"No, Val, I can't accept it..."

"Of course you can!, you know that's not a problem for me..."

"I know!" Juliana's voice is higher than she expects to "I know, Val, I just don't want you to do this. You don't need to spend money on me or give me expensive things, I don't like that. I feel like... I feel like you're buying me..."

Valentina looks heartbroken and some tears drops from her eyes.

"That's not true, I would never..."

"I'm sorry, I just can't help how I feel. People just don't give me this kind of things and I need you to respect that. I want us to be equals" she doesn't know why this is so important for her, why she doesn't want Val to have the upper hand, she wants them to be on the same ground. She wants her to acknowledge her own worth, more than money or the characters they play every day at school or anywhere. She wants Val to see her for her real self and accept her boundaries. 

"Forget I said anything" Valentina mumbles standing up and gathering her things "I'm sorry to bother you, I'll see you later"

"No, Val, wait"

The other girl is gone before she can say anything else and Juliana feels her chest empty. 

She cries until falling sleep. 

* * *

A week later she receives, on Christmas eve, a letter from Mexico's City. 

It's Valentina's. 

_Hello, Juliana!_

_I hope this letter arrives on time for Christmas, because I want to be one of the first ones to wish a very joyful MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!! I know I could send you a text anytime but there's something so classic and intimate about a letter. Everyone here is fine (Guille sends you his greetings and is very sad he won't be able to see you until next summer because Oxford is biting his ass, can you believe?)._

_Anyway, my dad and Lucia are great. Eva is evil as always but something incredible happened: SHE BROUGHT SOMEONE HOME! his name is Mateo and he is AMAZING! I can't believe someone like Eva could score such a catch! He is a journalist so my dad is sold and he is so charming. I think I'm jealous of Eva for the first time. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have a crush for him or anything, it's just that I don't think I will ever find someone that understand me and gets me like he gets Eva... except for you, of course, which leads me to..._

_I want to apologize for what happened. I talked with Guille about our argument and he made me see some things that I've been ignoring for a while. Can you believe I'm privileged??? I know, shocker._

Juliana laughs at this.

_When I offered to pay for your trip or when I want to buy you things, I don't want to buy you. It's so important to me that you understand this: I don't want to buy your friendship, I just really really like you and I want you to have all the best things that I can offer to you and I want you to be happy above anything else. Sometimes that means to me that I could give you the things that I'm accustomed, like presents and stuff._

_I want to make sure that you know that your problems are as important as mine. You have become my favorite person in such a short time and I can't see my life without you._

_I'm so dramatic, I'm sorry, it's a family trait!_

_Whatever, I hope everything is okay up there. I can't wait to see you so I could give you your Christmas present! (I won't accept that you deny this: people give Christmas presents all the time)_

_I miss you._

_Vale._

Later that night, Juliana decides to do her own part.

"Hello?" Valentina answers at the third ring. 

"Hello, Val, how are you?"

There's a sound on the background, like some heavy thing falling on the floor, a laugh, and a very excited Guille saying _is that Juliana? Can i say hi? Valentina let me say hi!_. 

"Hey" she sounds out of breath and Juliana's heart does a somersault. 

"Merry Christmas, Val" Juliana mumbles, trying to still her heartbeats. It's only been a week without hearing the other girl's voice but it feels like a decade. 

"Merry Christmas, Juls" a pause "Did you... did you receive my letter?"

"Yeah, I did. Thank you" she takes a breath "I want to talk to you about it, actually. I need to apologize too..."

"No, Juls, I didn't do it for that..."

"I know, Val. I want to, I own it to you. I acted like an asshole, I didn't hear your reasons and you're right: I should have known your real intentions. I know that money is not an issue for you and I should have seen it as the gift it was but I never had someone that cared for me the way you do and sometimes it can be overwhelming. I'm not asking you to change. I love the way you are and you make me feel so special" she needs to be sincere with her emotions "I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I just need to put some boundaries"

Valentina doesn't say anything for a while and Juliana puts all the restraint she has to not say something more: Valentina needs to understand that even if she wasn't so scandalous rich, Juliana would still put boundaries in their relationship. 

She doesn't want to lose her for this. 

"Okay"

"Okay?"

"Yeah. You're right. All relationships need boundaries and this is yours, but I have a condition". 

"What is it?"

"If we're going to be _friends_ , you need to learn how to receive, I will try to not be so extravagant with my gifts, but you know now that I do it with the best intentions, therefore, you need to accept that. You can give me presents too! And that's okay because we're friends. The truth is... _I care about you... a lot_ , and sometimes I need to express that". 

The line went silent for a minute. If she is honest with herself, Juliana is left breathless. She doesn't know what to say or answer to Valentina's statement (there was something about the way Valentina said that she cares for Juliana...). 

"That sounds reasonable" she finally says, feeling shy. 

They talk on the phone every day until Valentina comes back 2 weeks after New Year (Juliana even talks with Guille once and she helps him with some Oxford project. Valentina tries to steal the phone back all the time and when she succeeds Guille complains _learn to share, Vale, you're so jealous._ Juliana blushes) and the day she arrives at school, they spend all the evening together.

Valentina gives her a necklace from when she was young ( _my mother made it to me_ , she whispers) and Juliana, nervously, hands her a package. 

"What's this?" Valentina asks, unwrapping the box. 

"Your gift" Juliana mumbles. 

It's a blouse. 

"I _made_ it" she whispers, blushing furiously and trying to hide her face. 

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I mean I know it's not like the big thing but I..."

"Are you crazy? I love it!" she holds the blouse close to her chest "It even smells like you" she says, closing her eyes "I love this. Oh my god, my gift now looks ridiculous"

"No! I love it, Val" she does, with all her heart. Having a part of Valentina, something so personal, it's making her feel things she didn't know were possible (the thing is... she just wants to exist in this moment, with her best friend watching her, her bright eyes everything that Juliana can see) "I love everything you do" she whispers "I love the way you make me feel" 

It's too much. 

She knows but she doesn't care. _I want to be honest with you, I don't want lies between us_. 

"I love the way you make me feel, too" Valentina replies, her forehead touching softly Juliana's. She closes her eyes "Everything in my life is better with you in it".

She needs to do something. 

_Is this how love feels?_

"Te quiero... _te quiero mucho_ " Valentina mumbles. 

_I could kiss her_. 

It's just a thought, an idea and it's everything Juliana needs to realize what's going on. 

She stands up.

"I'm sorry" she says, her heart almost jumping out of her chest "I need to do some homework... sorry"

Valentina seems confused but she accepts her excuse and leaves with her blouse. 

As soon as she leaves, Juliana can breathe again.

* * *

Valentina is like a magnet... or like the sun and Juliana is hopeless to her gravity, a lone planet trying to reach her light. In vain, she tries to keep her distance, tries to keep her feelings on check but Valentina is a force of nature. 

It is a surprise, however, when Sophie McKay sits beside her on Advance Calculus and asks Juliana: 

"Hey, Valentina and you seem pretty close, is she seeing someone?" she looks honest and curious, but it takes Juliana unprepared, needing some minutes to recover "I kind of like her and she is so beautiful..."

"What??" she almost screams, making some people around them turn. 

"Oh sorry, are you together?" 

"wHAT? No!" Juliana clarifies "I'm not like... I don't... I like boys" it sounds wrong, even to Juliana but she tries to convince Sophie (and herself). 

"Oh, great! So... is she seeing someone?"

"I... I... yes" she lies, not knowing why (she does)

"Who?"

"Someone from Mexico!"

"Great! so they far away, perfect!"

And then she is gone, and Juliana is left torn between not knowing what just happen and being heartbroken. 

She doesn't speak with Valentina that day, trying to avoid her more than ever. On Sunday at church, she sits behind a big column, hiding from everyone. She doesn't want to think about her feelings and her mixed emotions about Sophie's questions or what they could mean for her (in truth, it shouldn't matter because Valentina doesn't like her like that, right? also, Juliana doesn't like _like_ her, she loves boys, she does... she just haven't meet the right guy to date or to fall in love).

It is between the communion and some prayer that she finds Valentina kneeling beside Sophie and Juliana wants to throw up. What is wrong with this girl? She doesn't care that Valentina is already with someone! (she is not, but Sophie doesn't need to know that). 

When the mass is over, Juliana walks towards them, smiling when Valentina's eyes shine seeing her. 

"Juls!" she says, hugging her " _Andabas muy perdida, eh?_ " Juliana feels Valentina's breath on her neck and she shivers. 

"Yeah, I had some work to do" she stares at Sophie trying to make her feel uncomfortable so she would leave them alone. The other girl only stares back. 

"Hey, Juliana, how's your father?"

It's a low blow because Juliana is left speechless. 

"Can you leave us alone, _please_?" Valentina's voice is pure ice and her eyes has turn from their usual electrifying blue to a cold cerulean "I don't think I want to hang out with you anymore". 

Sophie's expression is worth all the insults in the world, Juliana thinks, feeling so much better already. Valentina turns to her, taking her arm between hers leading them towards the gardens. She doesn't speak for a while, enjoying the cold weather instead and Juliana thanks her. She doesn't want to know if the girl beside her already knows about her family, the only thing that matters is that it seems to make no difference between them. Valentina is still here...

"You okay?" she says after they sit over the grass. 

"Yeah" Juliana answers, feeling warm under Valentina's gaze "What about you?"

The other girl smiles shaking her head:

"I love that about you, you know?" when Juliana only frowns in response, Valentina clears herself "You always make sure I'm alright even when you're not feeling so good"

Juliana blushes. She really is that obvious...

"I want to be there for you in the same way. I want you to know that your problems are as important as mine"

"Thanks, Val"

They spend the day together by the gardens and then at Valentina's room, listening to music and talking about everything and nothing. At some point they end on the bed, cuddling.

"Today is my mother's birthday" Valentina whispers over her neck, sending shivers through her spine. 

"Really?" she feels Valentina's nod "How old..."

"She would be 42 if she were..."

 _If she were alive_ ... the unfinished sentence hangs in their shared air and stays there for a while. 

"You look like her" is not a question and Juliana doesn't know why she says it except that she wants Valentina to smile again. 

"They told me so" she sighs deeply "It's funny because for months I tried not to think about her. I closed myself and I took some bad decisions. I think my father sent me here because he didn't know what to do with me anymore. I was scared about what kind of person I would be if I let myself feel her absence. And now..."

"Now what?" Juliana asks after a long pause.

"And now I... I feel _too_ much" she feels a kiss on her neck. 

"I do too" her reply is muffled by the soft pillow but she knows Valentina heard her when the arms around her waist tightens. 

* * *

She opens and closes the the search site 3 times before finally type: _how to know if you like girls..._

4, 400 000 results in less than a second. 

"Whoah" she tries the first result and starts reading:

_13 signs you're into women!_

  1. _You follow lots of hot women on Instagram!_



Nope, definitely no. She doesn't even have an Instagram. 

She closes the tab and finds another link. This one looks more professional and actually helpful: 

_What to do if you like girls but you're not totally sure._

  1. _Talk to a queer woman or femme_ (Juliana sighs, she didn't know anyone openly gay or queer and the article warned her not to ask the first LGBT person she found because they could feel used for their sexual orientation). 
  2. _Think back to high-school: you probably had crushes on other girls, but suppressed them because you didn't realize that your feelings were romantic._ (she tries to remember back in Texas if she had feel attracted to anyone the way she feels about Va... and she stops right there, panic already rising in her chest). 
  3. _Imagine hooking up with your girl-crush_



And she closes the tab again. 

She couldn't do that...

Imagine being with Va...

Nope, definitely no and no, thank you. 

It's not like she hadn't dream about kissing her... It's normal, really, they’ve been together for some time and it's only natural she wants to know how her lips taste or if her hair is really that soft or...

"Oh my god" 

Wondering how Valentina lips taste like??? That's not platonic at all. And the fact that she is wondering in the first place should be her main clue. 

She lays on her bed, looking at the ceiling. What she really wants to know is... if she is in love with her best friend. 

She opens the laptop again and types: 

_How to know if you're in love with your best friend?_

  * _You try to look your best when you know they'll be around._



It's the next Wednesday when she realizes she combs her hair in a ponytail because Valentina told her she looked better that way. She's been doing it for a while now and she reserves it for Wednesday (the day when she spend more time with Valentina due their shared classes -1hour of AP English, 2 hours of AP Biology and 1 hour of PE). It was only a simple comment ( _You look so nice with your hair high, your jaw looks sharp as hell)_ but Juliana keeps it close to her heart and every time she caught Valentina's eyes linger on her for a second longer, she feels her tummy jumping and her heart beating so fast inside her ribcage. 

  * _Hugs from them feel different_



Valentina is a touchy person by nature. Some part of her body seems to always be near Juliana's. But then, the feeling of her hugs are always different. There's the spontaneous one, when they are walking by some corridor and suddenly Valentina arms are around her just because she can hug her. There's the comforting one, when Juliana is feeling down and Valentina takes her in her arms, making everything better just for a minute or two. There's the happy one, when something wonderful happens and they are both so excited about it, Valentina throws her arms around Juliana's shoulders and there's jumping and laughs. And there's the ones they shared when they are on the bed, cuddling, the ones when Juliana can't breath, can't move, can't do anything except feel, feel Valentina's sigh on the back of her neck, her fingers sometimes trace words on the skin of her shoulders (sometimes she can't stop shaking because she believes they are tracing the words "mine, mine" over and over again). Those are the ones that left her awake and the ones she thinks about when she is naughty and her hands travels through her body). 

  * _Compliments from them feel like you just won the jackpot_
  * _You definitely have some sort of jealous feeling going on if they bring a new boo around..._



* * *

  * _You have imagined kissing them – probably more than once. No shame. Hey, no one can police your thoughts, OK?_




Valentina plays for their lacrosse team. Whenever someone tries to congratulate her for her performance she just shrugs it off but the truth is they are a so much better now that she is in the team and everyone knows it. Their games seems to attract more people each time and now the field is full every time they play. Juliana hangs around in their practices because she doesn't have anything else to do. The fact that Valentina plays with a short _shorts,_ her legs moving while she runs and the defined muscle in her arms when she shoots is just a plus really. Except, now and then, when she shouts or moans after a particular rough move or when Valentina is cocky because she knows she is good (her smirk, the way she bites her cheek). Those times... those times haunt Juliana in her sleep. 

She can't help herself. 

Later, when she is on her bed, she replays the scene again and again, except now Valentina doesn't have her jersey on, she is sweaty, her hair falls on her shoulders, her eyes are so bright and dilated, like onix over sapphire.

  * _Imagine hooking up with your girl-crush_



Oh no, she can't, but she _is doing it_. Her fantasy evolves. They are in the dressing room, Valentina is ecstatic after the victory, she is so close, Juliana almost can smell her. Her fingers ( _Valentina's_ ) move through her body and Juliana feels safe (she knows Valentina is holding her, she knows she will do no harm, she feels loved). Her lips parts a little and they are over hers, Juliana's name on Valentina's mouth...

She can't stop thinking about her best friend, her lips, her body, the feeling of her arms, _fuck_. 

When she cums, she sees Valentina above her, coming undone simultaneously. 

Juliana never had an orgasm in her life and she also never had felt this guilty before. 

* * *

So she is in love with her best friend (her _female_ best friend)... what now?

* * *

She feels guilty but there is also the pain. Ignorance is blissful but now that Juliana knows the extent of her feelings, how she can go back? 

Her life seems to be intertwined with Valentina's and there's nothing she can do about it. The pain is worse when she tries to stay away. So Juliana soldiers up and remains Valentina's best friend. Sometimes is not so bad, sometimes she can imagine that nothing has changed and everything is the same as always. But then Valentina would do something (like that time she appeared in the library with a pizza slice because she knew Juliana didn't have time to eating between her classes and chess club, or when she remembered that Juliana's favorite color is blue -dark blue, like the one you see at twilight, even though she only mentioned once, or when she confessed that she stole a t-shirt from her drawer because she loves how Juliana's smells) and all her strength is gone.

Leaving is no option and every day she tries not to fall more in love with Valentina. 

* * *

Spring break is almost upon them when it happens. 

it's Saturday when Valentina tells her that she will spend the break with her family skiing in Switzerland. It's a peace branch or so Valentina says between her father, Eva and Lucía. Juliana doesn't know the entire story but some nasty stuff went down between Eva and Lucía and León, Valentina's father, took Lucía's side, ignoring Eva and creating a complicated situation in the company. Guille didn't choose a party and Valentina was in Canada so that only left her elder sister against their father. 

Finally, a miracle happened when Lucía took the higher ground and apologized to Eva for driving her father and her apart. Eva, with Mateo's influence, accepted it and that paved the way for her reconciliation with León. 

"I know your father loves Lucía" Juliana comments, splashing her feet in the pool's water "But that's fucked up. I mean, Eva is his daughter"

"I know" Valentina answers, floating with her arms stretched "That's what Guille and I told him but he can be so stubborn. I guess now we know from where we got that aspect of our personalities" she laughs a little "I kind of understand him". 

"What?"

"Him, choosing Lucía's side" 

"Why?"

Valentina stands, splashing some water on her face. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. 

"I guess that if I find someone to love the way he loves Lucía... I will always take their side, even if they are wrong" her gaze focuses on Juliana "I couldn't bear for them to be alone like that". 

Sometimes Valentina looks at her... sometimes she looks at her like she wants her to figure out something. Something that she is not telling her. 

"Come here" Valentina asks her, luring her to the pool. 

"I don't know how to swim" Juliana says. 

"I know" the other girl replies "But I'm here, I will keep you safe"

How can she deny her? Did she have an option? Juliana drops her towel, entering the pool, noticing the cold water, making her shiver. 

"It's cold" she says. 

"Come here" Valentina repeats, taking her arms between her hands, their hips touching. 

"Hey" Juliana mumbles looking at Valentina's blue eyes "You okay?"

"I am now" she answers moving closer "I don't want to leave you"

It's nothing more than a whisper, a silent confession only for Juliana. 

"I don't want you to leave me either" 

"I can't stop thinking about you" Valentina rests her forehead on hers and everything just stops "That's the problem. Even when we're not together. You are like a song on repeat in my head" her breath is on Juliana's face "Please, tell me I'm not alone in this"

Later, Juliana would remember the way the sun shined on Valentina's hair, the way she smelled (a flowery perfume that reminds her of sunny days), how her heart stopped for a second and the shape of Valentina's lips on hers. 

The breath she took when she kisses her back and the little moan that escaped from Valentina's mouth when their tongues met. 


	2. Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i've said i was going to post this on saturday. I'm sorry, life got in the way. anyway i'm adding another chapter to this bc i have no self control anymore. also this is hella unedited so i'm sorry for any mistake. I will edit this tomorrow so for now, bear with me. :)

Valentina arrives on a wednesday night. 

Or at least that's what Guille tells her later. 

She is unconscious by the time she arrives at the hospital, her father frantic screams the only thing she hears in the distance. 

_Sorry,_ she thinks desperately, _I didn't mean to, not like this, not like this..._

It's a mantra playing again and again in her mind. 

When she wakes up the next day, Lucia is by her side, Guille is sitting on a couch at the back of the room and she is informed that Eva went to the cafeteria because she didn't stand to be on the same room with Lucía and she refused to leave Valentina. 

Her father is nowhere to be seen. 

The doctors released her a week later and even at home, she still takes some pills and her father signed a paper that requires she goes to therapy. Valentina is still a minor so she doesn't have a say in that decision. It's not like her father asked her anyway. León hasn't talk with her since that day at the pool. The official diagnosis for the media was pneumonia which was partly truth as she developed that illness after falling drunk on her house's pool. There's some rumors about her health, about substance abuse and how her life crumbled down after her mother's death, a year ago. 

Valentina stays at home after her medical discharge, even when school starts again on August. The therapist seems to believe a change of environment would help her mental health. A private tutor is hired and Valentina feels helpless. She truly fucked up this time, there's not point of return. She knows that some sugary words won't convinced her father anymore. She has shown how broken she really is, after putting on a smile every day, after giving her blessing to her father about dating Lucía (even though it was only after 6 months of her mother's passing), after assuring Guille that she would be alright alone at home when he told her about Oxford, after everything really...

Sometimes at night, she used to stay awake thinking of how things would be different if her mother was still alive. 

Her father is unable to look at her. 

Guille moves back to the house ("Just for a couple of months" he assures Valentina, trying to sound disinterested "Before Oxford, I want to be close"). Chivis checks on her religiously every hour, offering food, a bath or anything she could think of. Even Eva goes every third day to have breakfast with her and she calls all the days. No one mentioned the pool but when the urge to go to swim one morning, three weeks after the almost drowning, she finds the pool locked. 

No one trusts her anymore. 

"I'M GETTING CRAZY HERE!" she explodes one day. 

Guille is by her side, reading a book. He puts it down and studies her face.

"I think you're right" he finally says smiling a little "I mean, look at us. We thought that if we put you on a cellophane bag, you would be okay and that's clearly not working. I'm sorry for that by the way"

"And what about Dad? He is the worst. At least Eva and you talk to me. Eva is on my case every five minutes but I'll gladly take that against Dad's silent treatment"

Guille is serious again and that throws Valentina away.

"He thinks you did it on propose"

"What?"

"Falling"

It takes a moment for Guille's words make any sense but when they do, Valentina feels lost. 

Her father, her idol, her protector... he believes she tried to kill herself. 

"Do you?"

"Do I what?" Guille is evasive and he drops his gaze to the floor. 

"Do you believe it too?"

"I did... at the beginning" he seems embarrassed, but she appreciates his honesty "But then I started to read about it..."

"Nerd"

"I started to read about it and you just didn't check all the boxes so... I believe it was an accident... please tell me it was an accident"

"It was" she immediately answers "I was having a bad day, but I never thought... not even now, you need to believe me"

"I do"

"Thanks"

"I know it's not much"

"It is to me"

"Ok"

"But dad..."

"Yeah, he won't be that easy. Lucia's been a great help, you know? Eva too in her on way, of course. She refuses to believe anything that escapes her perfect vision of the world, so…”

Killing herself? It was something that never crossed her mind, except… except that one time… but it was just one time, surely it was only a passing thought, she never really considered… right?

“Val” Guille mumbled, his eyes worried “I know you didn’t… that wasn’t your intention… but you need to admit that you’re not okay”

“Guille…”

“Listen, it’s ok, I understand. I lost mom too and part of the process is being sad and angry or both at the same time, but for moving on, you need to admit it and start to embrace it instead of just drinking your problems away because that won’t resolve anything”

“You don’t need to tell me this, I’m not a child…”

“Exactly! I’m scared, Valentina! What if the next time we are not that fast or we’re just a little too late! I don’t want to lose you too!”

“It’s not like that… I don’t even know how it grew so fast… this thing inside me… this sadness. I just know that whenever I’m drinking or losing control in general, it numbs me, and I can be at peace for a while”

It’s the first time she talks about this, about the way it feels for her. Guille waits patiently for her to express her inner thoughts and Valentina _sees him_ , really sees him, in months: his face is dry, a couple of silver hairs on top of his head and the lack of brightness in his eyes. He looks older and tired.

“I’m sorry, Guille” she says without thinking.

He blinks.

“Vale, no… there’s nothing to be sorry about” and he hugs her “I love you. There’s nothing you can do or say that makes me love you any less”

“Me too”

* * *

By the time September arrives, Valentina is convinced that she won’t return to high school. Even though her therapist gives her a medical discharge, her father insists she takes home lessons instead.

It’s driving her crazy.

Some days a friend comes by, more often Lucho and Sergio, talking about what she is missing and how much they wish she was there with them. Lucho annoys her endlessly: he wants them to get back together. Sergio tries to convince her to leave the house behind her father’s back and while the idea is tempting, she doesn’t want to give Leon more reasons to keep her imprisoned.

She talks with Guille more often than with anyone else (Eva doesn’t understand her and Lucia is still a stranger… her father is not an option), but she knows he will leave soon and Valentina is terrified.

Even if she eventually gets out of her house, what is she going to do? She doesn’t want to go back to her old school, the people there are not good for her and everyone would know about her so-called suicide attempt.

She is summoned one day to the central offices of the Journal to do an interview with a magazine that will feature the new generation of Mexican heirs. She knows is just an elaborated scheme to clear the rumors about her recent stay at the hospital. The official version is that she suffered a short illness, but she is better now.

The interview goes smoothly (no one would dare to go against Leon Carvajal’s script in his own office). Lucia is there all the time, smiling and encouraging her to go on. Valentina likes her. She is soft and nice, gave her father a reason to smile. She wishes… she wishes she would move on just like him…

_Enough._

Lucia is not to blame. Her father on the other hand… stop, don’t go there.

“That was incredible, Vale” Lucia greets her after the interview ends. She hugs her and whispers in her ear: “Your father wants to talk with you”

She is smiling and seems excited. Valentina wonders if she has anything to do in this new improvement.

“Are you serious?” she doesn’t want to hope, her relationship with her father seems to be broken beyond repair.

“Yes” Lucia hugs her again “Go to his office”

When she was little and did some naughty things, it was her mother whom chastise her; Leon was there, of course, but he was always the one who winked an eye at her behind her mother’s back. Now…

She knocks the door twice.

“Come in” and suddenly she is face to face with her father, for the first time in months “Hey, sweetheart, come on, sit with me”.

He points at the chair in front of his desk and Valentina wants to cry; they used to sit, side by side, on the couch next to the fireplace.

“How was your appointment, darling?” he asks, sitting behind his desk.

“The interview was fine” Valentina answers, her voice cold.

“Nice” he replies bringing his gaze down to some papers.

_Coward, he can’t even stand looking at me. He doesn’t know me anymore._

“Ok, so I was talking with Eva about your education and we agreed that you can’t go back to that school…”

“Why not?”

“Well” his eyes are now on her neck. _Coward, coward_ “It’s clearly not helping you and the people you hang out, well, they are not a good influence”

“Maybe it’s me” she is angry “maybe I am the problem”.

“No, that’s not true…”

“How can you know?” she stands up, her body feeling on fire “You don’t know me anymore, you don’t really talk with us anymore since Mom…”

“Stop it!” his hand hits the desk so hard that some papers fly to the floor “I won’t allow you to talk to me like that. It wasn’t me who almost drowns…”

“So what? I’m not your perfect daughter anymore because I’m not what you thought. Am I not worthy of your love now that you really saw me?”

“That’s it!” his face is red “I was very patient with you but you are not making this easy. You’re going to Canada on Monday. You’ll have two days to accommodate to the country and on Wednesday you’ll start classes”

“What?”

“Your plane will leave at 10 am, so be ready by then”

“You don’t know what to do with me anymore, so you simply send me to Canada? Is that how you solve everything? Pushing it away?” she is crying now, the frustration evident in her voice “Like you did with your feelings and with us when Mom passed away?”

He turns around.

“Dad” she cries “Look at me, please”

“I’ll see you on Christmas, Valentina”

He exits the office.

* * *

It’s Lucia the one that finds her still crying on the chair ( _“Darling, what happened? Where it’s your father? What did he tell you? Send you where? Oh my god, what is wrong with him?”)_

Guille is furious with Leon’s decision and Valentina hears from Chivis that they argued about it during dinner (she is so angry and sad that she stays in her bedroom) but their father mind is made.

When Eva comes for their breakfast, Valentina doesn’t speak with her.

“This is exactly why I think Canada is a good thing, Vale” Eva says with her knowing-all tone “You need to grow up”

Valentina stands up and leaves her alone.

Guille and Lucia take her to the airport. Until the last moment, Guille offers to take her with him to Oxford ( _“We could deal with dad later”_ ). Lucia apologizes every five minutes for her father’s thinking, but Valentina tries to calm her, it’s not her fault after all.

She cries during the trip and when the plane finally lands, her eyes are puffy and red.

* * *

Valentina arrives on a Wednesday to St. Judes boarding school.

The corridors are full of girls, all of them with their eyes on her. She tries not to show any emotion (it’s not the first time she is the center of attention), keeping her cool and walking with her head high.

Except that she doesn’t know where her next class is.

“Hey” she whispers to the first girl she sees in the hallway that is alone “Can you tell me where AP English is?”

A pair of brown eyes is the first thing she notices. Starry and beautiful _Oh, she could look at them all day_. Starry eyes shining.

“Yeah, I’m going there” her voice is rich, light but deep at the same time “Just follow me”.

Her demeanor is simple. She doesn’t ask anything or try to make conversation. She just keeps walking.

Valentina is a little taller than this girl, and that gives her the chance to observe her: her hair is up in a simple bun, leaving her neck clear to Valentina’s eyes and she instantly detects a freckle at the base. _Cute_. Her mouth is dry.

The classroom is already full. The girl takes a sit in front and Valentina frantically looks for a place close to her. The only empty place is next to some blonde girl.

_Great,_ she thinks.

“Hi” blonde girl says “I’m Sophie McKay”

“Valentina”

“I know”

_Great_ , she repeats. Her eyes travel to the girl from the hallway and stay there almost all the lesson.

Sophie talks and talks but Valentina doesn’t pay attention to her, she is busy looking at someone more interesting. When the bell rings she is on her feet quickly, but hallway girl is faster than her and by the time Valentina reaches the front of the room, she is gone.

“Hey” Sophie says, “Do you know where your next lesson is?”

“Um, no” she answers, disappointment evident in her voice.

“I could take you” Sophie beams “It’s no problem for me”

“Ok, thank you”

Sophie talks a lot during their one-minute trip between classes. She brings Valentina to her table with her friends when it’s time for lunch.

“How’s Mexico, Valentina?” someone ask at one point “I want to go to Los Cabos since forever. I can’t believe my father…”

“I heard your father owns every media in Mexico, my dad owns…”

“Your skin is so pretty, what do you use…”

It’s easy not hearing them and she limits herself to nod whenever someone speaks. There are at least 20 girls in their table and none of them are the one Valentina wants to talk again. She turns to Sophie and whispers:

“Are all of them your friends?”

“Oh, no” she laughs “No, they’re just here because of you. I wouldn’t trust them; all they want is a good piece of gossip” Sophie winks then.

_She is flirting with you_. Well, good luck with that.

“There’s this girl that sits in front of the class” Valentina says, “Do you know her?”

Sophie frowns a little seemingly thinking.

“Pretty, brown eyes, chin to kill for?”

“Yes”

“Oh, well everyone here knows her” Sophie is serious, and she is whispering now “Her name is Juliana, but I don’t recommend you to be her friend”

“Why not?” she is suddenly irritated, trying to defend this Juliana girl from Sophie.

“Her father is a hitman. All of us call her _narco barbie_ ” she is smiling like her joke is clever or something like that. Valentina despises her “You don’t want to be associated with someone like her”

She thinks of her father, how he receives every week menace letters from the _narcos_ , how they want him to take sides in their businesses, how worried he is of his children’s safety. Now, she is in the same school as a hitman’s daughter, a school her father chose.

Valentina smiles.

* * *

She doesn’t talk with Juliana again but that doesn’t mean she has forgotten about her. She watches her in their shared classes, always answering the teacher’s questions, so smart and dedicated. She watches her in the library, where she goes only to be in the same room as her. She watches her when they are in the changing room: Juliana’s body is so _pretty_ , her skin almost glow with the heat of the room. Valentina is left breathless whenever she catches the other girl moving around. Her tummy jumps every time she hears Juliana’s voice and suddenly, she can’t speak.

It’s frustrating really because every girl in their class seems to want Valentina as friend except Juliana. She seems not to care about her at all and it’s the only one that doesn’t try to chat with her.

_Why is she like this? Does she like me? Does she think of me? Why she doesn’t notice me?_

“Did you make friends?” Guille asks her one night on the phone. He checks on her frequently and calls her once a week.

“I guess” she answers, trying no to think in a pair of brown eyes.

“Whoa, miss Congeniality, are you sure about that?” he is laughing.

“I mean, there’s this group of girls that follows me around all the time” she can hear Guille’s hysterical laughs on the other side “Sophie is kind to me and… well, whatever, it doesn’t matter”

“Stop there, sister of mine, what does that mean?”

“Nothing” ugh, she just can’t keep Juliana out of her mind “just a girl that doesn’t like me but is interesting and I kind of can’tstopthinkingabouther”

“What?”

“I can’t stop thinking about her” Valentina sighs.

“Oh” Guille is silent for a moment “Do you have a crush?”

“Shut up”

“My sister has a crush”

“Guille, I’m serious, I’m gonna hang up…”

“Valentina and, wait what’s her name?”

“Bye, Guillermo” she hangs up.

* * *

Guille visits her one week before going to Oxford. She sneaks out in the night to meet him at his hotel. They drink a lot, call Eva to annoy her and play Uno laughing like little children.

And that’s how Juliana finds her.

* * *

It’s funny waking up with someone else. The first thing she notices is Juliana’s smell. It’s sweet and stronger where her neck meets her back. There’s that freckle that Valentina can’t stop observing every time they are in the same classroom. Juliana snores and it’s the cutest thing in the world.

There are also some details that she hadn’t notice until now like how her hair looks in the sunlight, how soft her skin is and, if she is quiet enough, the sound of her heartbeat.

_She wants to stay here._

Juliana starts to move so Valentina closes her eyes. She played a little dumb last night, but her drunk-self decided to tell some of her most intimate thoughts (she recalls telling Juliana that she is pretty). 

“Val” she hears.

_Oh, she could hear Juliana say her name every day. It was nice, so nice._ Her tummy jumps.

“Hey” she doesn’t Juliana realizes that she was already awake. It would be weird, right? The other girl doesn’t need to know the strange obsession that Valentina has develop in the last couple of weeks. It would be her secret.

“Sorry to wake you” Juliana apologizes, “But we need to get going before they notice you’re not on your room”

“Oh” right, they’re not the only people on this big building (it feels like that right now), Valentina can’t feed her fascination freely. She vaguely remembers it’s Saturday but if her stalking (following!) has taught her something is that Juliana has a very busy schedule “Yeah…” play it cool, Vale, you can do it “Juliana right? I’m sorry about last night. I thought I was going to sleep outside”

She thinks in fate and how from all the people that could find her, Juliana did.

“What was that about anyway?” Juliana has a cute frown on her face.

“Well..” she can’t help herself to get lost for a while, Juliana is _really_ pretty. Her silence must have been long because Juliana starts to apologize for her questions “No, it’s okay. I mean you deserve an explanation. I have some friends from home here in Canada” even if _friends_ only means her nosy brother “And they had a party last night” it counts as a party if they drank and play Uno until their ribs hurt from so much laughing, right? “I swear I left a window open when I flee but I couldn’t find it. Thank God you were there. You’re like my personal angel, you know?” Ok, Valentina, please calm down, you don’t want to scare this girl “Anyway, thank you for letting me in, I must have been a pain in the ass last night, sorry”

Juliana’s gaze turns tender, _so tender_ , that leaves Valentina speechless.

“Don’t worry, it’s nice talking with someone”

If Sophie was right about the rumors surrounding Juliana, then she doesn’t have many friends.

“Yeah” Valentina smiles, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach.

“Mmmm, maybe we should get going before someone comes to check…”

No! no, no, she doesn’t want that.

“No” she almost screams, stopping Juliana. _Quick, think of an excuse!_ “I’m so hungry, can we have some lunch here instead?” It’s not weird at all wanting to spend more time with Juliana, it’s perfectly normal.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea” Juliana replies, that cute frown appears again “Someone could come…”

“You’re right, sorry” she needs to stop doing this. Juliana is not to blame of her weird fascination “I’m gonna take my clothes and leave, sorry to bother you”.

She moves the covers, ready to leave.

“Hey, I’m sorry… I just… I mean this whole thing is new to me” Juliana grabs her arm and Valentina feels sparks running through her skin “I’m not used to have friends and plans… I just need to go to my chess club, and I’ll be back very quickly. Maybe we can hang out or…”

She doesn’t give her a chance to finish, tackling the other girl over the bed, laughing like crazy, enjoying her warm presence.

“Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks!” she snuggles her face in Juliana’s neck, breathing her scene.

She watches as Juliana changes clothes to attend her meeting and smiles through the whole thing, giving her opinion of her outfit here and there. It’s truly an experience watch her getting ready. 

After Juliana leaves, she dresses herself, thinking in her options for breakfast and how many questions she wants to ask the other girl. The blouse she slept on smells of whisky and cigarettes (Guille’s, not hers) but also there’s a faint scent of Juliana’s perfume. She won’t wash this blouse in a while (disgusting, thinks another part of her mind).

Her cellphone goes off in that moment. Great! She had connected it last night and now it is fully charged.

“Hi”

“Hey, little sister” Guille.

“Hey, ugly, are you okay? I know old people need more time to recover from hangovers”

“Ha, ha, very funny, I’m rolling on the floor right now”

“Be careful, your bones are not the same than before”

“OK, that’s it, sister, what’s going on with you and your good humor?”

“I’m just happy” she says, shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh, ok, play it cool, Vale. That’s alright, I don’t care. I’m actually outside of your school, wanna hang out?”

Valentina thinks of Juliana and how much she wants to spend more time with her, but Guille only would be here for the weekend…

“I will show you Mom’s favorite place here in Canada” his voice sounds far away “Unless you have something else to do, Miss Congeniality”

* * *

Guille takes her to their mother’s favorite restaurant in the city and they talk a little more about her and how much they miss her. Valentina knows that Guille was especially close to their mother just like she was her father’s favorite child.

“Sometimes I envy Eva, you know” he says at some point “She was nobody’s favorite”

“Guille, that’s mean!”

“Whatever” he shrugs “She could be our favorite, right?”

“Complicated” she replies “How is she by the way?”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you: weeks after you came here, Eva and Dad had a big fight. I think it has to do with some business that Lucia wanted to invest. Eva didn’t like the idea, but Dad did it anyway because Lucia suggested it”

“Whoa, is Dad crazy? I mean, I like Lucia, don’t get me wrong, but she is almost a stranger and Eva knows about these things”

“I know. I talked with him, but he is so stubborn, and he is really in love. I’m scared”

“Why?”

“Well, what if that happens to me?” they laugh at that.

“Eva must be so angry”

“Yep, they argued for 20 minutes and everyone in the building could hear their screams”

“Dad must be careful. Like I said, I trust Lucia, but it seems like she wants to alienate him from his children”

“Yeah, I hope there’s some part of the company when I return”

Guille take her back to his hotel room and they watch a movie just like when they were children.

“I miss this” she comments, eating popcorn.

“Yeah, me too. Are you going to tell me why you were so happy this morning?”

“Oh” Juliana is again on her mind “It’s nothing, really. I… remember the girl I told you… the one that didn’t talk to me?”

“Yeah, your crush?”

“Guille!”

“Ok, ok, your not-crush, yeah I remember, what’s up with her?”

“I spend the night with her”

Guille starts coughing the popcorn.

“What?”

“Ew, no, not like that, stop it”

“Vale, you’re going to kill me, what the hell, be clearer, please”

“I told you I don’t like her like that, why would you think otherwise?”

“Vale, Vale” he moves his head “You are notorious for your denial antics. Anyway, what’s her name?”

“Juliana” and she can’t help herself: she smiles like an idiot, blushing a little.

“Yeah, and you definitely not like her”

“Yep”

They stay in silence for a minute or two.

“You know if would be okay to me if you are” when Valentina remains confused, Guille adds: “With you, into her…”

“Oh” in some level, she knew this, but it’s nice hearing it from him “What about Dad? He already believes I’m the worst because of a misunderstanding…”

“Dad and you are so alike” he mumbles, accommodating a pillow behind his head “You just need time, he will come around”

“I’m not saying I like her… but if I did…”

“It’s okay, Vale. I love you”

“I love you too, Guille”.

* * *

She doesn’t see Juliana until the next day, in Sunday’s mass.

It is fate that has her dropping her ass in the same place as Juliana. Valentina tries to apologize about leaving her room the previous day, but Juliana assures that everything’s fine between them. She invites her to spend the day outside in the city with Guille and her. Juliana accepts and Valentina wants to dance right there, in front of the priest and Jesus Christ: the girl she likes say yes! (and she means that in the most platonic way possible).

Guille and Juliana get along well (almost _too well_ , but Valentina won’t get jealous, nope). Guille serves as their tourist’s guide while they walk in the city. She doesn’t mention it, but it’s obvious it’s also Juliana’s first time outside the school. It’s a fun day and every time she hears Juliana’s laugh, Valentina’s heart beats faster inside her chest.

When Guille finally takes them back to school, he hugs her very tight and whispers in her ear:

“I like her. She’s pretty”

Valentina turns to see if Juliana heard anything, but the other girls is busy observing the school’s door, no doubt giving them space to say their goodbyes. So thoughtful even if they don’t really know each other.

“Take care of her” Guille asks Juliana, smiling at her.

When the brunette nods, Valentina’s tummy explodes with thousands of butterflies.

* * *

“Did you like him?” Valentina asks Juliana later while they are eating together at the main dining room. Their hands almost touching…

“Yeah” Juliana replies “He is nice”

She doesn’t add anything else and Valentina is dying inside. He is nice? What does that mean? He is nice as in ‘he seems a respectable human being’? or he is nice as ‘I want to ride him until the sunset’?

“I mean, I understand you” Valentina says after a pause “He’s kind of handsome, or so they told me…”

“What?”

“Guille, he’s good looking if you like…”

“No, no, no” Juliana interrupts her with a laugh “ _I don’t’ like him like that,_ what are you talking about?” she seems genuinely offended “I thought you were asking me if I, you know, like your brother in a friendly way, not a romantic one”

“Oh” instant relief “Oh, nice. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he is great, but he is so dramatic and extra. Not your type at all”

“He’s handsome” Juliana says after a while, eating some chocolate cake that Valentina is feeding her with a trembling hand. She needs to keep focus because the way Juliana’s mouth is moving is distracting her “But I’ve never like someone like _that_ ”.

“Is there a reason for that?” Valentina can conceive a world in which Juliana is not loved. Look at her, she is marvelous.

“No, not really. Back in Texas, everyone was terrified of my father and here is no different, so…”

Juliana’s father. The hitman.

“Oh…okay” she quite again. Valentina is trying to find the words to express that she doesn’t care about Juliana’s father. She doesn’t care if he is a bad person because “You’re nothing like him”

“You don’t know…”

“I do” Valentina takes Juliana’s hand “I do know you. I don’t need anything else”

_Can you like me?_ She wants to ask, _can you like me like I do?_

* * *

They become friends after that and it’s nothing like Sophie or the other girls that always follow her around. Juliana is honest, sincere in the way she speaks. She is also so smart and strong, not only physical, but her character, the way she thinks… she is the strongest person Valentina knows and that gives her security.

Juliana is warm and loves to read. Sometimes she reads to Valentina, while they are alone in Juliana’s room. She feels the way her voice vibrates in her chest and it’s like a lullaby for Valentina.

“I cannot think it bold, to call you so, well knowing” Juliana reads one evening “You’ve ample thunderbolts, to shatter any overweening of mine. It’s the tongue that misspeaks, when what is called dominion… I mean, the master’s rule… is made to seem possession by the slave. The vassal says: my king; my prison, the convict says: and any humble slave, will call the master his without offense. Thus, when I call you mine,” and she does a brief pause here “It’s not what I expect, you’ll be considered such… only that I hope I may be yours. I saw you – need more be said? To broadcast a fire, telling the cause suffices… no need to apportion blame for the effect. In sum, I must admit, to the crime of adoring you; should you wish to punish me, the very punishment will be reward”

They are breathing fast and Valentina can hear Juliana’s heartbeat quickening.

_I could kiss her_.

The thought is fast but lasting. Valentina can’t stop thinking about it. How Juliana’s lips would feel? They look so soft… and the way that Juliana is with her? Tender and strong at the same time makes her think in the kind of lover she would be.

She also needs to stop.

Juliana doesn’t like girls… right? Even if she does, she surely doesn’t like Valentina in that way. She thinks about her previous romantic experiences. There is Lucho, of course, her only boyfriend growing up. He was an asshole, nothing like Juliana. There was that time that she kissed Nayeli, they were both drunk and she knows that if she ever kissed Juliana, it wouldn’t be like that short experience.

She sits in front of class with Juliana now. One Wednesday she feels bold enough to comment:

“Your jaw is to die for, Juliana” she feels her hands sweating “You look so good when you comb your hair up”.

She tries not to notice, but her friend blushes so hard that Valentina believes she is not breathing.

“You really think so?” her voice is little, like she doesn’t believe her.

“You know I do”

After that, every Wednesday Juliana combs her hair in a simple bun, and Valentina has a hard time trying to focus in their teacher’s lessons (Juliana’s jaw, her long neck, _that_ freckle…)

She admits she is in love one evening when she calls Juliana after having a particular hard day remembering her Mom. She knows she’s acting distant, but she doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings without alcohol or pushing them away (she remembers Guille telling her how much she is like their father).

So she tries calling the only person she trusts aside her brother:

“Can I ask you something?” she whispers, tears in her eyes.

“Yes, sure, whatever you need” is Juliana answer.

“Can you tell me a story? Something from when you were younger…”

Juliana tells her about the gift her father gave her when she was a child and Valentina immediately adores her more because her childhood wasn’t easy and her relationship with her father is bad. The fact that she is sharing this little story with her means the world to Valentina.

Then, they argued just before Christmas.

* * *

Valentina comes back home for the Christmas break. Lucia receives her with open arms and takes her outside almost every day. She doesn’t see her father a lot; he’s busy as usual but Leon seems more relaxed around her overall. He eats breakfast with her every morning. One day he surprises her with two tickets to the horse races. She is sure his attitude is related to the fact that she managed to keep her grades and there hasn’t been any complain from the school since she transferred. Leon must think his plan worked out in the end. Valentina wants to tell him that her change is result of her falling in love more than anything.

She wants to see his face when she reveals that she is in love with a woman. That thought is enough to make her smile.

Guille comes back the weekend before Christmas and the first thing he asks has to do with Juliana:

“Do I have a sister in law?”

“Shut up, Guille” she warns, dragging him to her bedroom “Please be quiet”

“So?”

“I… I kind of ruined it” and tells him about their fight “I don’t understand. I thought we like each other. I know I’m being a little child with this whole thing, but is it too bad that I want to spend more time with her? Why she doesn’t see it like that?”

“Vale, Vale” Guille shocks his head “You need a basic lesson in privilege”

“You too?”

“Yep. I understand why you offered to pay for her ticket, but you need to see it from Juliana’s point of view. What if instead of buying her a ticket to come here, you offered to buy her an airplane?”

“What? Are you crazy? That’s too much”

“Exactly. Based on the information you gave me every day about Juliana” Valentina tries to protest but Guille stops her “I’m not complaining, I love your gay drama. So, Juliana is humble, and she doesn’t feel good when someone tries to buy her affections because she didn’t grow up like that. She associates money with luxury and all that stuff. I know you do it with the best intentions but the way we grew doesn’t apply to everyone. We really are the exception of the rule, Vale. Also, every relationship needs boundaries, maybe this is hers”

“I just want her to feel special, because she is, Guille, she is the most special girl”

“Well, love has many languages, you need to find the one that you both speak”

“What do I do now?”

“Ugh, you’re so dummy when you’re in love, I can’t believe I need to do everything” he brings a notebook and a pen “I will need for you to return the favor if I’m ever this obtuse around someone I’m in love with”

* * *

She spends every night rehearsing what she is going to say the next time she sees Juliana.

“That was a great answer, Juliana” she whispers to her pillow “I don’t even know how you are not in college already. You’re so smart”

Other nights she is more honest with her feelings.

“I’m in love with you, Juliana” she mumbles in the dark, feeling the words on her lips “I know it’s very unfortunate, but I can’t help myself. You’re so incredible…”

“I’ve been thinking about you. The way we could be. We could be so much more. I believe we are good; we deserve to be happy”

“You are the first person that put a smile on my face after my mother died. I can’t thank you enough except to love you and adore you every day until you get tired of me”.

* * *

It gets bad before it gets better (as usual).

She is watching Juliana reading some stuff and her hands are _literally_ shaking.

“Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn’d love. But now I think there is no unreturn’d love, the pay is certain one, way or another, I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return’d, yet out of that I have written these songs”

“I need to pee”

“What?”

“I need to go to the bathroom, sorry”

Valentina was wet, her checks were flushed, and her breathing was fast and hard.

“What the hell?” she whispers, alone in her room “Can you calm down?”

Sleep is absent that night. She can’t keep thinking about Juliana, the way she says things, her tone so smooth and with that tone of hers. The way her lips form the words, how her tongue moves.

“Ugh” her fingers are in her panties and she can’t help herself. She is utterly turn on, her skin feels like fire under her hands.

“Juliana” she moans, picturing her above her, panting and asking her for more “Yeah, you feel so good, baby”

She is on the edge of an orgasm when her phone rings.

“Fuck me” she almost screams “What?!” Valentina asks.

“Um, is this a bad time?” Sophie.

“Kind of” she knows her breathing is rushed.

“Oh sorry” a pause “Are you okay? Maybe… maybe I can go to your room” she is whispering and Valentina feels caught “Like… like friends. I mean… I know you have needs, and I got them too… so maybe… as friends…”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean that I’m in my room and I was touching myself and you seem in a similar situation, so… maybe we can help each other…”

Valentina fails to think about the fact that it was Sophie who called her while she was touching herself. The only thing she knows is that she wants Juliana, but she isn’t an option, so maybe she could have this instead…

“Be here fast”

“Gotcha”

Three minutes later, Sophie is at her door, with short shorts and a simple wife beater.

“Hey”

“Hey”

She is on the bed suddenly, Sophie mouth on hers, her hands everywhere. And the fact is… well this is nice actually. She is already on her way to a fast orgasm even before being completely naked and it has nothing to do with Sophie. She is closing her eyes, thinking in starry brown eyes, looking at her intently, moaning her name.

“Juliana” she whispers.

“What?” Sophie stops every motion.

“What?”

“Ok, can you stop that?” she is dressing again and it’s the first time that Valentina has seen her genuinely upset “Listen, I know I said that this doesn’t have to mean anything, but I was hoping you were thinking of me while doing it”

“I am” Valentina says quickly, _too quickly_ “I don’t even know what I said”

“Val, stop it” she sighs “I like you. Maybe in another time, ok?”

She leaves and the whole thing probably lasted 10 minutes, but it made something clear to Valentina: she was screwed.

* * *

She used to think she was sneaky in the way her gaze follows Juliana, but Valentina knows that the other girl notices her wandering eyes and sometimes, Valentina likes to believe Juliana _observes_ her too. Like the day she told her she had a sauce stain on her check and Valentina tried to wipe it using her tongue. Juliana’s eyes had darkened, and she bit her lips. Or that one time when Valentina won a polo match and hugged Juliana right after the game. She is sweaty and disgusting but Juliana tightens her arms around her, breathing her in. Or when she wakes early after a slumber party and feels the way Juliana moves her legs, rubbing them together, obviously awake.

She couldn’t be imagining everything, right? Right?

And then she kissed her.

* * *

And Valentina can’t stop kissing her. Juliana is as soft as she imagined. Her lips fit perfectly between her own and when she opens her mouth, the feeling of her tongue is like a caress that ignites something inside Valentina. She needs to be closer.

“Fuck” she moans, her hands finding Julian’s hips.

“Is this really happening?” Juliana replies.

“I think so, open your mouth again”

The water is _so_ cold, but she is trembling for another reason. _This is really happening_ , she repeats inside her head.

“Val” Juliana mumbles, but she keeps kissing her “We need to go inside, some could come and…”

“Just one more” she asks.

There’s only one thin layer of clothes between then and Valentina can feel the way Juliana’s heart is beating, every little breath and that little moan that escapes her every time their tongues touch.

“I don’t know what to do anymore” Juliana says “I… I have these feelings and they’re not going away. I wake up most mornings, wondering what you’ll be wearing for class, if you’re going to use that shirt that make your eyes shine… I head to my desk and wonder if you’ll sit close to me again, if I get to smell your perfume again, if you’re just going to spend the entire period ignoring our teacher and reading ahead again. I try to pay attention to the lessons, but instead I wish that I could be talking to you, because you always look like you’re having so much fun and…”

“Hey, it’s okay, just… just slow down a little” Valentina breathes out “You’re telling me everything that I want to hear, and I don’t want to ruin this because I feel like I’m dreaming”.

“Val…”

“You have to let me know if you want me too” she kisses her again “Because I think about _you_ all the time as well – if today is a headband day or a ponytail day, and if you’re going to read something warm and nice or something that would drive me crazy with _wanting_ , and how it’s even possible that I want to kiss you all the time and… how I wish that we could just be together somewhere, and _talk_ about things that we don’t talk about to other people and – how I want to know what _you_ want from life, and how I want to help you get it and…”

Juliana’s mouth is again on hers and this time this kiss tastes feral and passionate. It awakens something inside Valentina. She breaks away just long enough to lick at her lips and then _actually_ kisses Juliana, the way she’d taken years to teach Lucho how to kiss, sliding their lips together until Juliana gasps and there… that tiny bit of space that means that she can kiss first her upper lip, then her bottom lip, and them both of them at the same time again.

She feels too much, and it would be terrifying if not for the fact that Juliana is still right there, holding on to her like the ground is going to disappear any second now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 1 insp: dress by taylor swift  
> chapter 2 insp: call it what you want by tay tay swift thanks for existing 
> 
> come yell at me at benoist-mcgrath.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me at  
> benoist-mcgrath.tumblr.com


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